I was sitting in the doctor's office and quite frankly I was scared. I was nauseous, sweating and my arms were aching. Oh, and my heart was beating at 149 beats per minute. I thought I was having a heart attack. The doctor had just run an EKG and taken blood and was away in the lab checking the results. I was praying.
Now, I know that some of you who read this don't believe that God talks to people anymore. And I know that many will say it was stress or fear or some emotional experience I was having.... but this is what happened. I remember saying as I prayed "Thy will be done". I guess it's partly a habit, partly just how I learned to pray, but I always ask as humbly and truthfully as I can that God's will be done. I know that His will is perfect and what I want isn't always what I need. Anyway, just as I finished saying "Thy will be done" I heard the Holy Spirit speak to me. There was no audible voice (at least I don't think there was) , it was right there inside me. But it was more than a thought or an idea; It was a voice! It wasn't coming from my head, but from my spirit. The voice said "If it's my perfect will that you die right now, here in this doctor's office, will that be still alright with you?".
I don't know what shocked me more, the fact that the Holy Spirit was speaking to me or the question He asked! I started to answer "yes, Lord" (like a good Christian should?) but I couldn't. This wasn't the time for a "Christian " answer, but for a serious, heartfelt, truthful answer; Would I still want God's will to be done even if I knew that meant my death?
I sat there and thought about it. I was still alone and still scared and my heart was still racing. I asked myself if what I had been praying was true or was it just what I thought God wanted to hear me say. I searched my heart and decided that yes, I did want God's will to be done, even if it killed me. So I said out loud "Yes, Lord I do want your perfect will to be done, even if it means I have to die right here. I don't want to die right here, I want you to heal me. I want you to make this heart calm down and this fear go away, but I want your will to be done even more. I am yours, do with me as you please."
I took that prayer very, very seriously. I didn't know for sure what was going to happen to me. Suddenly, a peaceful feeling engulfed me. I didn't stop hurting, nor did my heart stop racing, but I felt at peace. I knew that I really did want God's will to be done and although I wanted to live, I would gladly die right there. God forced me to take stock of my own heart and judge my own words! I knew that live or die, I would be just fine!
I'm telling you what happened and I will allow you to make of it whatever you will. I know that God gave me a great gift that day; He gave me insight into my own heart such as I have never had before and may never have again. Just knowing that I trust Him beyond any doubt, even with my very life, has changed me. It has strengthened me. It has given me peace way down inside.
There are some things we just can't learn when everything is going great. When there's no trouble, no suffering, no worries and no pain, it's easy to speak "Christianese" and give the pat answer. But when the sponge gets squeezed, we find out what's really inside of it.